A love for JESUS: More than logical theology

I've had a life-changing experience as of late, and I want people to know about it.

My heart has not been in full surrender to neither the reality of Jesus nor the love of Jesus. Through some vulnerability with great friends and wise words from a lot of them and other sources (J.D. Greer's "gospel" series, for instance) I've realized that true contentment and peace can only come from a love for God, which can only be through a love for Jesus Himself.

But I've known this. In my head.

I'm a theology girl; I like logical theology and rationalizing how God and Jesus makes sense. I'm a sinner, I need a Savior, God loves me and died for me to save me. It makes sense, and I love that the Gospel makes since. And I love this theology; it's beautiful, and without it true love for Jesus could not exist.

But relationship with God, with Jesus, is so much for than logical theology.

I'm also a highly passionate girl. I love passion, actually. I can fall in love in a second. I go on adventures, some more sketch than others, for the sake of thrill, like going on a bike ride at 1 in the morning, or going to Turkey for 3 months by myself, etc. I get bored a lot, I'm discontent a lot, that's why I do them.

This summer, I got really bored. With myself and with my situations, so I made some mistakes, huge leaps into a life that didn't resemble anything that I knew to be true. It took these mistakes to make me realize how uncontent my heart was.

But the discontent didn't stop when the leaves started changing. This semester I've gone through spouts of depression, mostly guilt driven and selfishly based; normal for a response to some decisions I've made. I was honestly to the point where I felt miserably hopeless inside. Hopeless. Not the emotions that come out of a Christian's heart. Something was evidently wrong.

HELLO. Jesus. My heart honestly did not belong to Him.

It's so elementary, but we cannot miss the love and the blessings that are given to us through a relationship with Jesus. Jesus is real. Just to reiterate, JESUS IS REAL. He comes to us in our real hopelessness, our real discontentedness and literally lifts us out of them. His jealous love will not leave us abandoned to the World. And just to reiterate, Jesus is real. And so is a relationship with Him. It's not a metaphor. It's not just a nice idea. The person of Jesus makes relationship with God real and His Spirit is inside of us; only this kind of passion can fulfill a passion-craved World.

God is so patient with His children. He is so patient with us who wander about aimlessly, even knowing the truth, and turn to things to rationalize our existence.

Ask Jesus to be more than logical theology for you; ask him to be real. He will be real. I've experienced peace this week in a way that I know is only from Him. It's the peace that the Bible talks about and is unknown to the World. I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to realize that my heart can fall in love with Jesus, that my passion can go crazy for Him. That actually, my heart was made with a passion that was meant to fall in love with Him. Seek Him; He'll answer you.

why i love middle schoolers

Sometimes things happen that make you realize why you love certain things and why you choose to do the things you do. Today I was reminded why I chose to teach Middle Schoolers.

It was my last day student teaching. I left for 2 minutes to go to the bathroom. When I come back, the entire class had moved to stand on the left side of the room.
"What's going on...?" I asked quite awkwardly.

"This is our awkward way of telling you 'Thankyou'." said the boy that I thought wasn't too fond of me.

We all bent over in laughter.

"When music affects us to tears, seemingly causeless, we weep not... from excess of pleasure; but through excess of an impatient, petulant sorrow that, as mere mortals, we are as yet in no condition to banquet upon those supernal ecstasies of which the music affords us merely a suggestive and indefinite glimpse."

-Poe, the death-dwelling, musically inspired, beauty-seeking, opium-driven gentleman of the 19th century

probably the first paragraph in a chapter of some book i might one day write, maybe

It was the time of day when you wouldn't know, upon looking at the sun, if it was dawn or dusk. It was the type of evening when everything seemed fresh and new, even the birds were singing as if they had a day yet to live. But the memories of the day reminded her what time it was, and she was saddened by the truth that the day she had been looking forward to had ended. How another day could give her the same joy she had felt that day, she doubted to be possible.

I am tired of worthless trends
and making man your ultimate end.
Take off your headphones, and stop.
maybe quit running and just walk
to enjoy the details of my nature
and the fullness of my heart.

You've become too familiar with this world
All I want is your heart.
I'll do what I have to do
to get you to see me.

I have 5 different lives. It is tiring. I am tired.

homes, regret, hope

I'm about to leave Texas.. the place where I was born.. where my sister lives. I've been on spring break here for the past week, and I've felt at home for the first time since last summer. Even though my sister, her husband, and their new daughter are the only people I know here, I've felt at home.

"what makes me feel at home?" i've been asking myself.

There's so much in my life that I wish I could do over. This stupid diabetes thing.. I wish I would have known that sugar made me a demon. My sister even told me this week that I'm so different, like a new person. It's the first time we've been together without fighting for longer than a day. I wonder how much hurt I would have saved if I would have known that I shouldn't eat sugar. I wonder how many relationships I would have saved, and how many decisions I would have made differently.

Maybe I wouldn't have destroyed the relationships that make me feel at home. The only reason I still have my relationship with my sister is because she's family, and family doesn't leave.

I am so thankful for family, and frustrated with how I've dealt with the rest.

Is anyone else frustrated with their lives?

I know Christ sanctifies and disciplines His children, but I'm still so frustrated with things because I feel there is so much I could have done differently that was in my control. Things outside of my control I can handle, but things that I know are in my hands.. I can't handle those.

I guess there's no reason to look back and regret. But there's every reason to look forward, in hope. Hope that His faithfulness will work through my idiocy and lead me to my rest.