I have 5 different lives. It is tiring. I am tired.

homes, regret, hope

I'm about to leave Texas.. the place where I was born.. where my sister lives. I've been on spring break here for the past week, and I've felt at home for the first time since last summer. Even though my sister, her husband, and their new daughter are the only people I know here, I've felt at home.

"what makes me feel at home?" i've been asking myself.

There's so much in my life that I wish I could do over. This stupid diabetes thing.. I wish I would have known that sugar made me a demon. My sister even told me this week that I'm so different, like a new person. It's the first time we've been together without fighting for longer than a day. I wonder how much hurt I would have saved if I would have known that I shouldn't eat sugar. I wonder how many relationships I would have saved, and how many decisions I would have made differently.

Maybe I wouldn't have destroyed the relationships that make me feel at home. The only reason I still have my relationship with my sister is because she's family, and family doesn't leave.

I am so thankful for family, and frustrated with how I've dealt with the rest.

Is anyone else frustrated with their lives?

I know Christ sanctifies and disciplines His children, but I'm still so frustrated with things because I feel there is so much I could have done differently that was in my control. Things outside of my control I can handle, but things that I know are in my hands.. I can't handle those.

I guess there's no reason to look back and regret. But there's every reason to look forward, in hope. Hope that His faithfulness will work through my idiocy and lead me to my rest.

family

Ah, I've learned a lot in the past three years.

I've learned that I'm a lot more arrogant than I believed,
and that I have so much to learn,
like when I thought that I could do it all alone, friend.

I've learned that I'm not too good at waiting,
but I've been waiting on a lot,
like when I waited for you, brother.

I've learned that things tend to change,
but it's my emotions that change the most,
like that time when I hurt you, sister.

I've learned that I'm impatient,
and that's different from not being good at waiting,
like that time when I spat at you, mother

I still need to learn,
I still need to learn so much, Father.